How to Avoid Interenet Addiction in Your Child

I can still remember the time when we parents were grateful and happy that we had Internet access finally, and that our children were about to become internet savvy!

We had dreams of our children becoming knowledgeable about everything there was to know, and we also thought that this would be a new way of keeping our children busy and engaged for long periods of time, away from outside dangers.

Little did we realize that our children would discover the internet in ways that we had not thought of, and that soon enough, they would become seriously addicted to the internet and on going online and chatting with friends, playing multi user games, entering pornographic sites and so on.

Today, most of us parents find it greatly difficult to balance our children’s online activities and their homework and studies and other extra curricular activities.

It is a fact that children and young adults can often become completely addicted to the internet and the wide possibilities that the internet would bring.

These are some of the psychological symptoms of internet addiction: euphoria at being online, an inability to stop the activity, lying to the family about chatting with strangers, and so on.

How does one go about avoiding such an addiction?

• As a responsible parent, you must sit down and ask yourself: how is your child being affected by the internet. Does he suffer from psychological or physical symptoms? Are his studies getting adversely affected? Is he becoming uncommunicative at home? Are his relationships at home getting affected?
• Do you think he may need counseling to help him get over his addiction? If so, don’t delay, act immediately. Experts state that internet addiction may be symptomatic of deeper lying psychological problems such as low self esteem or depression.
• Are you sure that you are not addicted to the internet yourself? Remember; you are the most important role model for your child, and you need to be free of addiction before you advise your child to do so.
• Set limits on your child’s internet usage everyday, and make sure that you enforce them, no matter what. Children must know how to follow a given set of rules, and they will be more disciplined than their peers.
• Make sure that the computer is kept in a public place.
• Try to enroll and engage your child in outdoor activities, so that he starts to lose interest in sitting in one place staring at the computer screen.

With patience and initiative, you will be able to cure your child of his internet addiction.

Source from http://www.theparentszone.com/parenting-skills/how-to-avoid-internet-addiction-in-your-child/

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Don't Make Me Count to Three

Have you ever threatened your child with some dire consequence if you had to count to 3? You probably have, since most parents have.

Believe it or not, when done properly, counting can be an effective tool in the discipline arsenal.

But there are some things you must keep in mind.

First, never count except in whole numbers. Either a child’s act or failure to act is worth a whole number step up, or it isn’t. Do not get in the habit of counting by halves or quarters or any other fraction.

Second, be consistent. If you have established a consequence for a behavior, you must use it. If you do not, your child will know that counting is just talk. As with every type of discipline, your child must know that you are serious.

Third, do you know that you can be flexible. If your child behavior or actions warrant it, you can go back to a previous number. Say, for example, you began counting because your child hadn’t cleaned his room.

If your child does a really good job, you might go back to zero. You do not have to always start at one; certain infractions may be significant enough that you can begin the count at 2 or at a higher number depending on the level at which consequences ensue.

You can start over each time you count, or if you have to count a second time during the day, you can pick up where you left off. Just make sure your child knows the rules, and you apply them consistently.

Source from http://www.theparentszone.com/child-development/discipline/dont-make-me-count-to-3/

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Focus on You

By Julia Tolliver Maranan

According to a National Women's Health Resource Center survey, more than 90 percent of the 681 respondents believed they faced moderate to high stress levels every day -- and fewer than half said they always felt capable of dealing with it. Left unresolved, chronic stress can lead to -- or worsen -- all kinds of health problems, including mood swings, sleep disturbances, PMS, inflammatory conditions (such as arthritis, dermatitis, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and even heart disease, diabetes, and cancer, says Pamela Peeke, M.D., M.P.H., stress expert and author of Body for LIFE for Women (Rodale).

The culprit? Blame cortisol, that sneaky stress hormone that weakens your immune system and makes you more susceptible to health woes. Peeke's stress-busting suggestions, however, are the first step to maintaining your sanity:

Adjust your attitude If you're caring for an ailing family member, are stuck in a dreadful job or feel overwhelmed by the demands of having young children, your situation won't change overnight. While you work toward adjusting what you can (look for a new job, hire help), your attitude is your best defense. "It's not stressful unless you perceive it as such," says Peeke. Use humor to look at your situation differently. Instead of obsessing about obstacles -- and there will always be obstacles -- try to see them as opportunities to care for yourself well during adversity and to grow stronger and wiser.

Adopt (or maintain) healthful habits When you're stressed, it's tempting to let self-care slide -- but that's when you need it most. A good night's sleep restores your body and gives you enough energy to face the next day, so turn off the TV earlier or play soothing music before bed to help you relax. Eat nutritious foods in small portions throughout the day to boost energy and nourish yourself. And while a 10-minute walk may help defuse a tense situation, regular exercise (especially outdoors) can quash the stress reaction before it even starts.

Take a break Relaxation exercises can have a profound -- and lasting -- effect on your mood. Peeke recommends setting aside 10 to 20 minutes each day to practice yoga, tai chi, meditation or another relaxation method, plus five-minute mini-sessions whenever you need a shot of tranquility. You can sit quietly and focus on your breath, repeat an uplifting saying or mantra to yourself, or even take a walking meditation and focus on the movement of your body.

Develop a Plan B (and a Plan C) And a Plan Z if necessary. Peeke calls this "becoming a master regrouper." When you develop Plan A, anticipate possible roadblocks and brainstorm ways around them. Can't go to the gym because your child is sick? Work out to an exercise video while he naps. Skip breakfast because you don't have time to fix something? Stock your pantry with healthful grab-and-go options, like dried fruit and nuts or a low-sugar energy bar.

Enlist your "estrogen squad" "It helps to surround yourself with a support system that ‘gets it,'" says Peeke. And while men can certainly cheer you on, in Peeke's experience, women are better able to offer the empathy and encouragement you need when you're ready to self-destruct. Mentally list a few women you're comfortable turning to for support and call on them as needed.

Source from http://www.yourbabytoday.com/babychatter/features/focus_on_you/index.html

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At Peace With Your Spouse

By Julia Tolliver Marana

Every couple has disagreements, but having kids presents new challenges. Couples therapist John W. Jacobs, M.D., author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage

(HarperCollins) offers insight into the most common sources of conflict for new parents and explains the best way to resolve them and regain happiness in your marriage.

Time and Energy
Both you and your husband may feel like you're not getting enough help from each other when it comes to caring for your kids. Unmet expectations often lead to tremendous disappointment and resentment. To defuse this tension, talk openly about the division of labor and look for solutions that work for both of you. "You're solving a problem of limited resources. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices you never wanted to make," says Jacobs. That may mean giving up some social activities or working fewer hours. Recognize the limits of what you can do comfortably and ask for help -- from each other or others -- with the rest.

Sex
Lack of sleep and energy can wreak havoc on your libido. Men often feel displaced, unimportant and desexualized by their wives' focus on the children. Talk it through openly and try to identify the underlying issues. Stress saps desire, so look for ways to lighten your loads. If your husband feels neglected, set aside time each day for the two of you, whether you play a game while the baby naps or set Junior in the bassinet and cook dinner together.

Money
Money issues can get particularly dicey if your financial situation changed when you had kids (e.g., going from two incomes to one). Add to that the pressure to save for the future, and you've got a potential landmine. Jacobs suggests re-evaluating your financial priorities. If stress in general is taking a toll on the happiness of your relationship, hiring help may be worth the expense, even when things are tight. "It's a mistake to jeopardize your marriage to worry about your retirement fund," says Jacobs. Get creative with your resources. For example, buy a less expensive TV and use the savings to hire a housekeeper.

Time for Each Other
Your relationship with your spouse is the glue that holds your family together, and sleeping in the same bed doesn't count as quality time. Jacobs suggests having a weekly date night out of the house and weekends together without your kids once or twice a year to nurture and celebrate what makes you special and strong as a couple.

Difficult Family Members
"Once you have children, family members who didn't pay a lot of attention to you before will want to move in with you. Or family members who said they'd be a lot of help are disappointing," says Jacobs. To prevent misunderstandings, you and your husband should discuss your expectations with family members before things get out of hand. But if you're already in a sticky situation, coordinate what you are going to say with your husband before talking to family so you can present a unified front. With communication, help and understanding, you can find as much happiness in your marriage as you do in raising your kids.

Source from http://www.yourbabytoday.com/babychatter/features/CY_happiness_in_marriage_with_kids/index.html

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Looking for Ways to Say Yes

One of the best parenting tips was to look for ways to say yes to your child’s requests when you could.

This is not advice to become indulgent, or grant every whim your child might have, but rather to develop an attitude of discernment and know when you really can say yes to what your child wants.

Think of that favorite childhood pastime: splashing in the bath. Every child wants to splash as wildly as possible, while every parent wants to keep the bathroom floor dry.

Is there a way in this situation that both parties’ needs can be met? Turns out there is. When I looked for a way to say yes, I realized that if I closed the shower curtain, and told my daughter her job was to keep the water in the tub, she could splash to her heart’s content, and my floor still stayed dry.

With the goal of keeping the water in the tub instead of not splashing, she felt empowered rather than limited, and she worked hard to keep the water in the tub and protect her privilege of splashing.

This particular solution of course only works with older children, and you still need to remain in the bathroom to make sure your child is safe. One positive side effect of looking for ways to say yes is that when you say no to a child’s request, they are less likely to complain as loudly or for as long.

They’ll still complain—testing boundaries is one of their jobs as children after all—but if you have a habit of saying yes, they’ll know there is a sound reason when you say no. You then get to pick your battles and focus on the things that really matter.

Source from http://www.theparentszone.com/parenting-tips/looking-for-ways-to-say-yes/

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Tips on Selecting a Child Care Center

At some point, children will be taken care of someone other than their parents. Choosing an appropriate child care center is one of the overwhelming choices you should make.As a parent, you should see the safety of your child at child care center.You have to find out whether the child care center is nurturing, fun and educational. You can place your child in an in-home or center-based care. But, before selecting the child care center, you should follow specific guidelines.Keep in mind and be sure that the child care center you are selecting will take care of your child same as he receives at home. Know your child’s needs, likes, dislikes, interests and behavior before determining the type of child care center.

Selecting the child care center:

• The main step in selecting a child care center is, make a list of qualities that you are looking for in a caregiver. You should go the child care center and observe the center while children are there.
• Talk to the parents of other children. Find out the child to caregiver ratio. If you find out there are too many children for one caregiver, your child will not receive the type of care you are expecting.
• As day care workers are lowest paid workers, ask about the facilities turnover rate. Find out whether the facility and the caregivers are licensed through the state. Licensed facilities follow strict standards, so better to choose licensed child care center.
• Find out about the experience and training of the staff. Some states do not require training and experience. Make sure that your child caregiver has good amount of experience and training.
• Find out whether the staff has submitted both background and criminal checks. Find out whether staff knows first aid and CPR.
• Many parents drop their children at child care center thinking that their children are receiving proper care. Care centers should allow you to observe the caregivers in action and make sure that rooms are clean.
• You should also watch the caregivers whether they are looking the children properly and carefully.
• Find out whether there are any physical punishments given to the children by the caregivers. If such type punishments are there, you have to decide to join your child or not.
• Will the caregiver informs the parents if the child is not feeling well? Find out if your child behaves badly with another child or caregiver, what type of policy or punishment is given?
• You should ask about how many hours child care center will work daily? Before finding about the caregiver, you have to see the timings of the center and your work schedule timings.
• Check whether the child care center is near and conveniently located. Ask about the fee for the child care. A well established child care center will be expensive. This is not the area to save money.
• You have to meet the child caregiver and decide whether the center is right for your child. Once you have decided, inform your decision to the child care center.

Source from http://www.theparentszone.com/parenting/qualities-to-look-for-before-selecting-a-child-care-center/

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Tips to Manage Child Care

Being a working mother, you can feel difficult to manage all the things regarding the child and office in the right way.

But, it is not an impossible thing if you follow certain tips and tricks required to manage both the tasks in the correct way.

Tips and tricks that have to be followed if you are a working mother:

• Some emotional conflicts will be developed within you as a new mother while leaving your child and moving on to the office. So, in order to control those emotional conflicts, provide all the essential or necessary things required for your child in the absence of you. By this, you can relieve from some tension which is obtained due to the insecurity feeling of your child in the absence of you.
• Try to select the best child care center which can provide all the facilities necessary for your child. The tension regarding the caring aspects of your child in the absence of you will be decreased if you keep him/her in the good child care center.
• One more important aspect of child care is breast feeding. The total health of you and your child will be dependent on breast feeding. It is most essential for your child to be healthy and some problems will also be developed with you if you don’t give breast feeding for your child as a new mother.
• Being a working mother, you will not be able to give proper breast feeding required for your child because you will be apart from your little one when you are in office and don’t know at which time he feels hungry and at which time he require breastfeeding. So, the one and only solution to solve this problem is breast feeding pumps. With the help of these breast feeding pumps, you can be able to pump the milk into the bottle and make your care taker feed it when ever your child feels hungry.
• After coming to home, try to spend all of your remaining time with your little ones. Forget all the tensions of your office at the office itself and don’t make them to enter into your personal life.
• As a working mother, create good bond between you and your child by playing and enjoying with him. Make him/her to feel happy and comfortable when they are with you.
• Try to make them know the difference between the good and the bad and instruct them to stay away from the bad things which can harm them.
• Don’t behave in the rude manner with your little one because with this the child will also develop the same rudeness and you will unable to control it if he crosses certain age limit.

Source from http://www.theparentszone.com/working-parents/are-you-a-working-mother-tips-to-manage-child-care-in-the-right-way/

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How you can help baby develop motor skills faster

Check out the following parenting advice on motor skills. Developing motor skills are an important part of the infant growth process. Some activities like jigsaw puzzles can help your baby increase her coordination.

The development of hand-eye coordination often parallels and/or compliments the development of gross and fine motor skills. As your baby's motor skills grow and become more complex, so will your baby's overall interaction with her environment. The right parenting advice can help.

Using walkers sometimes results in their upper leg muscles not developing as well as they should. This could delay the development of motor skills necessary for walking.

Physical development can be broken up in to three-month intervals and divided into two categories: gross motor skills and fine motor skills. Gross motor skills are the term used to describe your baby's ability to control different parts of her own body.

Fine motor skills refer to your baby's level of coordination of different body parts, such as picking up an object with her thumb and forefinger.

Try to encourage your baby to develop walking motor skills by calling her to come to you or by placing a favorite toy just out of reach so that she crawls towards it.

There are toys made of plastic with holes fitted to plastic pegs for the baby to differentiate shapes and develop hand/eye coordination.

Remember, a baby who has mastered the motor skill of sitting up without help, for example, will have a completely different outlook than a baby who has not yet mastered this skill and needs assistance from objects to help them up.

There are baby-styled puzzles available that have little handles on them for babies to grip. Although many parents believe that they need to get their babies expensive toys and walking aids to facilitate early development, this is completely untrue.

Plastic building blocks allow babies to stack and build things that require balance and use a different set of hand/eye coordination skills and motor skills. This facilitates brain development. Big blocks are excellent for developing motor skills.

Source From http://www.best-parenting-advice.info/parenting-advice.html

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Parental Anger: How to Develop Coping Strategies

Parental Anger: How to Develop Coping Strategies

By Jill Oestreicher Gross

We've all been there: Our beloved child is in a monster-like state, aggravating us to no end by throwing tantrums, nagging us while we are on the phone, refusing to clean up, or coming home with falling grades. Our blood is boiling and our nerves are frayed - what's an angry parent to do?

Anger is one of the most common human feelings, and it is natural to become angry at your children - but how you cope with that anger is integral to a good relationship. And it's not just our kids who can raise our ire - spouses, parents, in-laws and siblings can cause anger and elevate our stress level. No matter who the cause or target of your anger is, experts agree that shouting and attacking their character is hurtful and won't fix the problem.

Common Triggers

Many triggers can elicit a parent's anger, so it's important to identify the specific behaviors that you find most aggravating. Then you can begin to develop strategies for handling them. Heading the list for many parents is whining, not following directions, resistance to getting ready in the morning, stalling at bedtime, bickering with siblings, and insolence.

Coping with your feelings of anger without assaulting your child's personality is important. Giving yourself a cool-down period, expressing your feelings using "I" and not "you" statements and having compassion for your child can help everyone get through difficult moments, experts advise.

According to the late Haim Ginott, Ed.D., a renowned educator, child-development expert and author of the landmark book Between Parent and Child, parents need to accept the fact that they will get angry with their children, that they are entitled to feel angry without guilt or shame, and that they are allowed to express their feelings.

Bridget Santella, a mother of three in Novato, Calif., describes the "out-of-control" feelings of anger she experienced following a downturn in her 14-year-old son's grades. These feelings and the household discord caused her to look for the underlying problem in the situation, she says.

"I realized what was driving me nuts were my fears," she says of her reaction to Christian's grades. "Fears he would mess up so bad that he would not get in the classes he needs to graduate high school with AP courses under his belt. Is that realistic? No. I saw that I was being driven by my fear and I sat down with him and admitted I was over the top."

As a result of their discussion, she says, Christian is taking his schoolwork more seriously, and her anger and nagging have died down.

Parenting styles are individual and what works for one family might not work for another. Leanne Cavallaro of Newburyport, Mass., was utterly stressed out by the antics of her two boys, Owen, 5, and Evan, 3, who had difficulty taking turns and sharing toys.

"I went to a social worker to get some help because I was screaming at my kids," Cavallaro recalls. "I was angry at them and angry at myself."

Her social worker provided an outlet for her to express her feelings and feel justified that her situation was, in fact, a stressful one. She recommended Cavallaro take breaks from the kids and continue her yoga class.

Certain misbehavior is age appropriate, explains clinical psychologist Thomas Phelan, Ph.D., author of 1-2-3 Magic and Surviving Your Adolescents. For example, he points out, 3-month-olds wake up several times a night and cause parental sleep deprivation; 3-year-olds have temper tantrums and are dawdlers; and 13-year-olds talk endlessly on the phone and have messy rooms. While these behaviors can be annoying, he says, parents should expect a certain level of nonconformity from kids.

For Cavallaro and her husband, Phelan's "1-2-3 Magic" technique was the cure to the constant discord at home. The method advocates behavior modification by warning your child before imposing a time-out.

The counting, Cavallaro says, "stopped the anger and took over the discipline." Counting out loud, with a subsequent consequence if needed, gave her something to do other than just getting frustrated with her children's behavior. "That's when we started to get our lives back," she says.

When It's Not Your Kids

Unfortunately, kids are not the only ones who can trigger a parent's anger. Relatives who judge, criticize and interfere with family rules can create tension.

Sally Wang, an Oakland, Calif., mom who asked that we not use her real name, explains that her anger stems from her relationship with her mother. Wang and her husband have a 2-year-old daughter, and Wang's mother is particularly critical about the toddler's weight and diet.

"She constantly battles with me, wanting to prove that her way is the best way and my way is stupid," Wang says.

Wang often copes with her anger by leaving her mother's house early or hanging yup the phone if her mother persists in arguing. And, she admits, sometimes she cuts back on the time her mother spends with her daughter overall until things have cooled off.

"Criticism is poison between generations," says Nancy Samalin, M.S., author of Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma. She advises parents to set limits in advance for grandparents and other caregivers who become too involved and to help them learn to respect the rules in a non-threatening way.

For example, if a grandparent is giving a child too many cookies, the parent can explain that the pediatrician has advised against excessive sweets. Similarly, if a grandparent or other relative is doing the child's homework for them, explain that the teacher has asked for the child to do the work independently. Citing the preferences of authority figures can help non-parental caregivers feel less defensive, Samalin says.

Your spouse can also trigger anger, particularly if you each have different parenting styles. Parent educator Bonnie Harris, M.S., author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, suggests creating a "parental partnership" to help ease tension.

This includes an agreement that the parent who initially handled a challenging situation will manage the problem through to the end without being undermined by the other parent. But, if one parent becomes enraged by their child's behavior, the other adult can step in and offer the angry parent some relief.

By acknowledging parental anger and working to manage it, we can help our children understand that strong feelings can be expressed constructively and that their behavior really matters to us, notes psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Parenting is a bumpy road, but the rewards of a healthy relationship are great for both you and your children.

MORE: 8 Weapons You can Use in the War on Anger

Resources

• 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, by Thomas Phelan, Ph.D., Parentmagic, 2003. Outlines a systematic approach to discipline using counting and time-outs applied in a straightforward and unemotional manner. Also the author's book Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go of Your 13- to 18-Year-Olds.
  
• Between Parent and Child, by Haim Ginott, Ed.D., Three Rivers Press, revised and updated 2003. The 1969 best-seller has been updated by the late author's wife, clinical psychologist Alice Ginott, Ph.D., and family relationship specialist H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., but is still offers the positive and supportive advice on communication and discipline techniques that made it a classic.
  
• Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma, by Nancy Samalin, M.S., with Catherine Whitney, Penguin, 1992. Encourages acceptable expressions of anger to achieve guilt-free parenting.
  
• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, Ph.D., with Joan Declaire, Simon & Schuster, 1998. A noted psychology professor offers exercises to assess your parenting style and tips on recognizing and dealing with emotions - yours and your child's.
  
• When Your Kids Push Your Buttons - And What You Can Do About It, by Bonnie Harris, M.S.; Warner Books, 2003. A parent educator and counselor offers useful tips for handling anger in dealing with toddlers through teens, with emphasis on parent's understanding of his or her own ideas, perceptions and reactions.

Source from http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/parental_anger_how_to_develop_coping_strategies.html

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Taking Care of Yourself After the Birth

The postpartum period begins after the delivery of the baby and ends when the mother's body has returned as closely as possible to its pre-pregnant state, usually lasting around 6 to 8 weeks.

After the birth, you will experience many changes, both physical and emotional, while you learn how to adjust to being a new mother.

The postpartum period is not only the recovery but also the time to learn about your baby and how to function as a changed family unit. Contrary to popular belief, this period is not always spent cooing over your new baby and basking in the feelings of happy family life.

For many women, this is a turbulent time. You need to adapt to waking up every few hours through the night and you may be dealing with the pain of an episiotomy, caesarean or traumatised nipples. There may be major alterations in the dynamics of your relationship with your partner or issues with the dynamics of extended family. There are also many hormone changes taking place while your body recovers from the pregnancy and adjusts to breastfeeding. It can be an emotionally draining time that has to be worked through on broken sleep.

Fortunately, there are many things you can do to make this time more enjoyable so that you and your partner can concentrate on the important process of getting to know and falling in love with your baby.

Rest

• In the first few weeks, try to let go of all of your responsibilities other than feeding the baby and looking after yourself
• Sleep when the baby sleeps. This may be only a few minutes' rest several times a day, but these minutes can add up
• Have your baby's bed near yours at night or sleep with your baby in your bed. This can be a wonderful way to minimise the sleep deprivation that can make it so much more difficult to cope with the demands of a newborn. Co-sleeping also has the added benefit of protection against SIDS if you follow a few basic rules. See safety guidelines for co-sleeping
• Many new parents enjoy visits from friends and family, but you don't need to feel obligated to entertain. When the opportunity arises, feel free to excuse yourself for a nap. Most people will understand
• Get outside for a few minutes each day. You can begin walking as soon as it feels comfortable for you

A healthy diet

You need to maintain a healthy diet to promote healing and recovery, as well as to give you the stamina you require to care for your baby.

Many mothers may be so tired or busy that they forget to eat. It's not uncommon for a new Mum to realise it's 4pm and that she hasn't eaten anything all day. Try planning simple meals in advance. Maybe you would like to share your suggestions in the Natural Transition forum.

The weight gained in pregnancy helps build energy stores for your recovery and for breastfeeding. After delivery, it is important that you continue to follow a good diet that will maintain your energy and immune system so that you can be active and able to care for yourself and your family.

Although most mothers want to lose their pregnancy weight, extreme dieting and rapid weight loss can be hazardous to your health and will not give your baby the best breast milk you can make. It can take several months to lose the weight gained during pregnancy and some mothers find that they don't start losing weight until they finish breastfeeding. Safe weight loss can be achieved by following the dietary guidelines for fertility, pregnancy and breastfeeding, as well as by getting regular exercise.

Along with balanced meals, it's important to drink plenty of water, preferably filtered water. Many mothers find that they become very thirsty while breastfeeding; drinking the recommended 33ml per kg of body weight is still adequate while breastfeeding.

Help for new parents

New as well as experienced parents soon realise that babies require a lot of work. Meeting the constant needs of a newborn involves time and energy and often takes parents away from other responsibilities in the home.

Although you may do well on your own, having someone else around to help with household chores usually makes the adjustment to a new baby easier. You can concentrate on the needs of your baby and the modified family dynamics rather than on the laundry or dirty dishes.

Helpers can be family, friends or a paid home care provider. A family member such as your mother, mother-in-law or sister may be able to come for a few days or longer. A doula can help with postpartum household needs, as can home care providers who offer a variety of services, from housekeeping to the care of other children. Check the Natural Transition Directory to find a home care provider close to you.

Whomever you decide to have as helpers, it can be beneficial for all involved if you are clear on the things you expect them to do and the things you don't want them to do. Well thought-out communication can prevent hurt feelings or misunderstandings when emotions are fragile in the first few weeks. For example, the new grandmother may want to help by feeding the baby a bottle, while your priority is bonding with your baby and building up a milk supply that meets your new baby's needs. Often all that this situation requires is prior notice that you are committed to establishing a good milk supply and that the best way to do this is to keep your baby from using bottles. Maybe a quick explanation of how breastfeeding works will help others understand.

Here's a list of suggested jobs that you could have a helper do for your family

• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Laundry
• Grocery shopping
• Playing with and caring for older children

Source from http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/M/motherhood

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Five Steps to Great Parenting

Being a great parent is something many people aspire to. The following are five tips for how you can be a great parent.

Tip one: Learn to listen.

Good parents listen to their children. Whether your child is five or fifteen, you need to listen to what they have to say. Sometimes your child is going to tell you boring, horrible stories, and other times they are going to tell you something insignificant. However, if you listen no matter what, they will know that you are going to listen to them when they have a real problem, and they will come to you.

Tip two: Set rules.

Good parents do not just let their kids do whatever they want, good parents have rules and boundaries that they set for their children to help them have some guidance on how to behave and how to grow up. Rules are important. You need rules for every aspect of your children's lives.

Tip three: Be consistent.

Being a great parent involves being consistent. If the rules say that you are to ground your child if they come home from a date late, then you have to ground them. Consistency is key to good parenting, if you are not consistent, your children will not know what to think. They will not feel secure. They will not know what to expect. Knowing what they can expect is an important part of being a good parent.

Tip four: Play with your kids.

Good parents learn how to have fun with their children. Great parents have relationships with their kids. These relationships are best formed by having fun with your children. You can play while you work. You can play having fun. So, have a good time with your kids by playing games with them, by taking them fun places, by vacationing with them, etc. It is critical that you play with your children and have a fun time with them. The best parents know how to have fun and spend quality time with their kids. Parenting is not just about feeding your children, and clothing them. Parenting is also about helping your kids be happy and lead fulfilling lives.

Tip five: Show your love.

Great parents show their kids that they love them all of the time. This is an unconditional love. Great parents never threaten to take away love as punishment, and they never give their children any reason to doubt that they love them.

Source from http://www.surfnetparents.com/five_steps_to_great_parenting-18119.html

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Five Tips For Great Parenting

How can you be a great parent? The following are five ways to be a great parent:

1. Love your kids.

The first thing you have to do to be a great parent is love your children unconditionally. This means when your toddler dumps their juice on your computer and fries it you love them anyway, and when your teen backs your new car into the garage door, you love them anyway. Great parents let their children know how much they love them, and they never threaten to withdraw love, no matter what the circumstances.

2. Get to know your kids.

If you want to be a great parent you need to get to know your child. Learn their personality and what makes them who they are. Parenting is an individual task, what works for one child may not work for another, and the best way to figure it out is to know your children. Learn to interpret their moods, and get a feel for them in order to keep them happy, safe, and going in the right direction.

3. Pick an approach.

Great parents have a parenting approach that works for them and their child. There are tons of approaches to take, and some work better than others, but the important thing is to stick with it. You can't be the laid back anything goes parent one day, and the strict rule setter the next. It will leave your children feeling insecure, and not know what to expect.

4. Have boundaries.

Kids need rules and guidance. Setting boundaries tells your children you care enough to give them rules. Enforcing those rules shows your children you love them enough to do things you do not like in order to help them be better people. Boundaries are important, and great parents include their children in the setting of said boundaries.

5. Get involved.

Great parents do not take a hands off parenting approach, rather they get involved in every aspect of their child's life. Great parents know who their child's friends are. Great parents attend recitals, meets, games, etc. Great parents talk to their children after school. Great parents get on their children about grades and homework. Great parents do not let any aspect, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for them to slide.

Source from http://www.surfnetparents.com/five_tips_for_great_parenting-18118.html

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Helping Children with Shyness

by Julianne Idleman

Each child comes into the world with a different set of potential characteristics. As parents, our challenge is to find ways to work with, and celebrate, the people our children are. Some children are slow to warm to others. If your child acts shy, he needs you to lovingly accept and validate him, just the way he is, while at the same time warmly encouraging him, indicating that things are actually safer than he can tell.

Children benefit from information

First of all, talk with your child before going into situations where he tends to become anxious. If he's very young, you might not get many words back from him, but you could start off with something like this: “It's almost story time. Remember how many children were at the library last time? Remember how noisy and busy all those children can get sometimes? Today when we go to hear the story, we'll sit at the edge of the circle so you can have some space around you and I'm going to hold you right in my lap like this. If there are too many people for you, or too many sounds, you can tuck your head under my arm like a little bird or take my hands and cover up your ears.”

See what you can do to get your child engaged in the plan to handle this situation. You might take a pile of stuffed animals and set one up with a book and play "story time.” You be the small animal that comes into the setting and finds it frightening. See what your child thinks of to work out a solution for the small animal that is afraid of crowded spaces. If he begins to laugh, he’ll gain confidence in himself as you play this game over and over.

Children thrive on fun and connection

Before going into a situation that you think your child may find frightening, try using our method of Special Time. Children clearly thrive on moments when we are just with them. Take ten or fifteen minutes before you get ready to go and shine your undivided attention onto your child, and do whatever it is that he enjoys doing with you at the moment. Play pillow fight. Drop lightweight balls down the stairs together. Allow some messy water play. Put your child in charge of the interaction and follow him, letting him be in control of the relationship for a time. Radiate enthusiasm for his ideas and desires. This will help to bolster his connection to you and help him store up a little extra confidence for the challenge ahead.

Fear releases in laughter

Play that helps children overcome their fears starts by allowing a child Special Time—during which the grownup does whatever the child wants to do. During this time, look for opportunities to take the less powerful role. If your child is pretending to go to work, playfully cry and beg him not to go. If your child wants to play chase, try to catch him, but fail most of the time. If your child wants to pretend to go to the kid's gym, act playfully afraid and hide behind him. Your child's fears will release as he laughs while you play the less powerful role. The more you are able to the laughter going, the bolder your child will become.

Children are helped by your optimistic tone

Before making the transition into a situation that has been troubling your child, talk him through what is about to happen with a warm, confident tone. Having a tone of optimism can help children feel close enough to their parent to flow better into the new setting. Then, when you get there, close and connected, you can make light overtures offering a gentle invitation to play with you or the other children. Allow a few minutes between overtures for your child to try using his own initiative to enter the group. Keep your tone warm and supportive.

Releasing feelings of fear

If your child is having trouble breaking out of isolated behavior with simple encouragement, you might need to help him in a more active way. Get close and make eye contact. Listen if he begins to cry. Don’t try to talk him out of his feelings of fear or upset. Listening and allowing a child who is frightened to cry hard is the opposite of what most parents do. It works beautifully, but needs a bit of explanation!

Children become afraid when circumstances beyond their control, or circumstances they don't understand, rock their fragile sense of safety. These feelings can get "stuck" inside a developing mind and mask themselves as a temperamental tendency toward characteristics such as shyness. Luckily, you can help him let go of old fears. We can help children with their fears in the play we do with them and in how we handle the times when their fears overwhelm them.

To safely release the fearful feelings, children may hang their fears or sense of isolation on a pretext that is ordinary and commonplace. This way, he can bring up the feelings without any chance of experiencing a real threat to his safety. Your child is ready to release old feelings of fear when he is acting deeply afraid of a harmless situation.

Fear releases as a child cries, trembles, and perspires

When your child's fears have seized him, he's ready to work through those fears. At this time it's your job to be as warm, accepting, and confident as you can. Don't try to change a safe situation. Your child has to feel his fears in order to shed them. Your confident presence will make all the difference for him.

Move ever so slowly toward the frightening situation and hold him close. If he is crying, struggling, trembling, and perspiring while in your arms, things are just right. He may feel terrible, but you are there to assist while he sheds that terror. Tell him, "I'm right here and I'm keeping you safe. I won't go away." Your child may protest, but if you remove the thing he’s frightened of, he won't be able to shed the old fear. Take a deep breath and know that working through the fears, while safe in your arms with you keeping watch, will help him move forward with a deeper connection to you and a clearer confidence in himself when it's done.

The library isn’t going to be the best place for this kind of work with your child, but you can surely find a situation in a park or at a party with friends (that you’ve forewarned) that is workable. The more tender and confident you are, the faster your child’s fears will melt.

Children can generally cry and struggle, tremble, and perspire for up to an hour before they are done with a chunk of fear. If you are in a situation that allows it, stay with your child until he realizes that he is safe in your arms and all is well. When he reaches that point he will relax. You'll be able to feel that the stress and anxiety have washed out of him. He may fall into a deeply peaceful sleep. His behavior can be expected to change markedly after such a session.

Here’s how one caregiver helped a shy and frightened child at her center one day.

The local firemen in their big red engine and their boots, hats, and jackets visited my day care center one day. One of the girls was terrified, and began to scream. I began to use Staylistening with her, because the other children were fascinated and were fine with my co-teacher.

They listened to the firemen explain their truck, explored it, touched their gear, and had a great time for forty minutes while I held this child, who was screaming. I kept reassuring her that she was safe, and I looked into her eyes the whole time. I listened to her. And every few minutes, I took one step toward the firemen.

Finally, she stopped, wiped her eyes, and wanted to get down. She went directly to one of the firemen. He welcomed her, and she climbed into his arms and grinned. She was excited to be close. She touched his hat and stood on his lap. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like going from night to day!

Helping your children release their fears can be difficult work. It's surprisingly hard to let children laugh long, and to listen to the depth of their fear and grief. You'll find that things go better when you have a listener for yourself, so that you, too, have the chance to express what you think and notice what you feel as you work hard to help your child with shyness.

source from http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000006/000638.htm

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Helping Children Play Well Together

by Patty Wipfler

When you and your child join or set up a play group, or get together with other families, it helps to have the parents agree on policies for handling the inevitable issues:

• Separation
• Aggressive behavior
• Withdrawn behavior
• Squabbles over possession

If you have discussed and agreed on policies, then you and the other parents involved have the chance to support each other more fully when upsets arise. It's hard to make good decisions when feelings are high, and we parents tend to blame each other for our children's "off track" behavior. These agreements get the basic decisions made before the upsets come along. Here are some suggestions about policies on these issues, and the reasoning behind them.

Separation

Incidents like the parent leaving for a moment to answer the phone, taking a restroom break, or leaving for several hours.

The parent should tell the child, from infancy onward, about any absence she takes, however short. The child needs to be told where the parent is going, and for how long. If the child feels sad, the parent can set the child up with another supportive adult while she's gone. That person listens to the child and reassures him until the parent returns.

This policy gives children the information they need to understand their environment. Even infants need to be spoken to as if they understand the words we say: they do understand us much sooner than we realize. It also gives them respect while they take the time to process their feelings around separation. The listener gives the child warmth, closeness, and the safety to express deep feelings without adult disapproval or worry. The crying that children do at these times helps them express their love, and slowly but surely, it frees them from holding feelings of fear about the next separation.

Aggressive behavior

Incidents like a child pushing another child, biting, or giving unwanted hugs or kisses.

Children don't really want to hurt each other or to miss each other's cues on how much closeness or roughness is wanted. They become insensitive when they are full of tension or fear. Moving in before they do damage, and preventing thoughtless actions, relieves them of the guilt of having hurt someone, and usually lets them feel and release the bad feelings that were causing them to be "off track." These hurt feelings need to be expressed before the child can relax. When a child has cried hard with a caring adult, and hasn't been shamed or blamed, he or she is much better able to notice other children, and to play thoughtfully.

After the playgroup has met a time or two, all the parents will have noted the children who tend to act aggressively when they are scared. It needs to be clear which parents, if not all, will be "safety managers" for the children. Those parents need to pay close attention, preparing for the aggressive behavior to show itself, rather than blindly hoping it won't happen. They position themselves so that they can immediately, gently, and firmly stop a child's aggressive acts.

When an aggressive act is stopped by the adult nearest the situation, that grownup should offer to connect with the offending child and make warm eye contact and physical contact. “I can't let you hurt Sally” can be said with an “I love you” tone of voice. If the child wants to go to his parent at this point, that's OK. The parent or other grownup should listen to the feelings the intervention has brought into the open. If the child’s parent isn’t there, the adult who stepped in can be a very helpful listener instead. A good, long cry or tantrum, with a supportive adult, does wonders for an aggressive child’s behavior, because it releases the tension that has caused the aggression.

Withdrawn behavior

Incidents like a child hovering at the edges of the group, or going off to "play" alone, unwilling to make contact with anyone.

The adults involved can make brief overtures to the child, offering gentle invitation to connect with them or with other children. Allowing a child a few minutes between each overture gives the child time to try using his or her own initiative to enter the group.

Sometimes, children become so trapped by feelings that they can't make any use of the opportunity to play with others. An adult needs to help them. Nudge the child gently toward the children or the activity he’s afraid of, but just enough that he begins to cry. Then, listen. Listening until the child can make contact will help him or her over the hump of isolation. It also helps the child feel much closer to the adult who kindly listened. Use eye contact to convey your warmth. Your gentle reassurance that the child is welcome in play will help.

Squabbles over possession

Incidents like a child coming up and grabbing the toy another child is playing with. Also, whining about whose turn it is now.

It's best if the adults involved can intervene without urgency to solve the problem. Reassure both children that they can work this out.

Decide among the adults what the policy on turns will be, and go by that policy. Among infants and toddlers, I like to use the policy that a child can play as long as he wants with a toy, and I (or another adult) will listen to the feelings of the child who wants it. Lots of grief and urgency will be expressed. You can reassure the crying child by saying, “You'll get the special dolly when she's through. I'll make sure you do. I see how much you want it.”

There are several good things about the “I'll help you wait until he's through" policy. First, we adults don't have to take things away from children in order to enforce turns. The more children have things taken from them without being able to work through the feelings this causes, the more likely they are to grab things from each other.

The second constructive feature is that children have a chance to grieve fully for the things they want with gentle adult attention while they cry. This helps children work through their attachment to things as the salve for their bad feelings. It offers adult warmth in the place of the desired thing, which is an excellent trade. The child will cry until his or her grief has been expressed. Then his mind will be open to all the other possibilities for play. When children have this chance to want things openly and be listened to, they tend to be able to relate more fully to adults and friends, and to have a better perspective on the importance of connecting with people in play.

If you enforce turns, a child won't express his deep feelings of need for the desired thing. When it's his turn, he'll still be full of tension about wanting the toy, and will be paying more attention to keeping others away than to enjoying it. The tension is actually the issue that the child needs help with. A good cry can clear the child's mind of fixation on that toy, and allow him to fully enjoy the toy and his playmates, when he finally gets it.

source from http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000041.htm

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Parenting - Eliminating the Stress

Parenting - Eliminating the Stress
By Sue Doran

It seems that we do not have enough time in our lives doesn't it? Between family, work, social commitments and other demands on our time it can be extremely difficult to get everything done in a 24hr day. Nobody knows that better that a busy parent!

One the the major stresses is trying not to neglecting the children and maintaining a busy schedule and meeting all obligations. Most parents would love the opportunity to stay at home with their children and not have to work but never get that option because they need the income.

Do you know parent who seem to manage it all? Housework, kids, carpooling, work, sports.....Some parents seem to have it down pat and never have a time management problem. Ever wonder how they do it? Well wonder no more

You'll be amazed at how much time you can save and how effective you can use you time you have with the methods and tips set out in the book. You will still be a good parent if not a become a better parent for meeting all the obligations.

Busy parents know how streamline their schedules and use their time as effectively as possible. Learning ways to be more effective will free you up to do the things that really matter to you like family. Then this give you the flexibility to re-arrange you schedule to give you the free time then you could imagine.

Last of all you do not have to do this on your own enlist your friends and family to help you. Improving your communication skills and making every moment count is the best way to manage a family and career without sacrificing family time or added income and diversions careers provides.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sue_Doran

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Encourage Your Child's Self-Esteem

Encourage Your Child's Self-Esteem
By Monika B. Pis, Ph.D.

Self-esteem is an integral part of your child's development, as well as the basis for healthy social skills.

Self-esteem is defined as a person's feeling of self-worth, or a person's view of his or her competency. Children with high self-esteem feel substantial worth, and believe themselves to be good and capable. On the other hand, children with low self-esteem think they are useless and that others do not care how they behave and perform.

The role of healthy self-esteem cannot be stressed enough. How your child views his/her worth will play a role in how he/she performs in school, deals with mistakes and failures, motivates self, and interacts with peers.

In adolescence, your child's self-esteem will influence his or her resistance to risky behaviors, such as alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking, drug use, and sex. While high self-esteem is associated with an overall sense of well-being during adolescence, low self-esteem is related to risk behaviors and negative developmental outcomes. For example, adolescents with low self-esteem are at high risk for attempting suicide. Studies have shown that adolescents with low self-esteem have elevated levels of suicidal ideation and negative expectations of the future.

According to research at the Florida State University, parents who have boys with low self-esteem at age 11 were 1.6 times more likely to meet the criteria for drug dependence nine years later than other children. These findings are a wake up call to parents and other adults who interact with children.

Characteristics of children with HIGH self-esteem:

- Make friends easily

- Show enthusiasm for new activities

- Are cooperative and follow age-appropriate rules

- Control their behavior

- Play by themselves and with other children

- Like to be creative and have their own ideas

- Are happy

Characteristics of children with LOW self-esteem:

- Don't believe they can do things well

- Fear interactions with other children

- Don't share ideas

- Are sad

Parents can help their children to build high self-esteem from a very early age. The simplest ways include: praising your child's efforts and successes however small, providing warmth and affection, being supportive, showing interest in your child's activities, using positive enforcement, and being patient when your child learns new skills.

Robert Brooks, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the Harvard Medical School, offers these strategies to parents to foster a healthy self-esteem:

1. Provide opportunities to make choices, decisions, and solve problems.

A belief that one has some control of their environment leads to high self-esteem.

2. Help develop responsibility and make a contribution.
Assuming responsibility that makes one feel capable and making a contribution boosts self-esteem.

3. Offer encouragement and positive feedback.
Self-esteem is nurtured when adults communicate appreciation and encouragement to children.

4. Help establish self-discipline.
Ability to reason and reflect on one's behavior and its impact on others helps in developing a high self-esteem.

5. Teach to deal with mistakes and failure.
The fear of making mistakes and feeling embarrassed is a potent obstacle to challenges and taking appropriate risks, and thus achieving positive self-esteem.

Dr. Monika Pis is a pediatric nurse practitioner and the Editor-in- Chief for Plugged In Parents.

Please visit http://www.pluggedinparents.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Monika_B._Pis,_Ph.D.

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A Better Night Sleep For Your Child

A Better Night Sleep For Your Child
By Jay Marie P

Does your child have trouble going to sleep? Does he or she have problems getting a good night rest? If so, here are some suggestions.

1) Have your child go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time. (Unless they are sick.)

2) If your child needs a nightlight make sure it isn't too bright. Too much light in the room might lead your child to play or read instead of going to sleep. Also, if they are waking up too early, check to see if it's because of morning light shining in their room. To combat this, put up a shade on the window. Or put up a darker one. Shades are also good for the summertime when the sun sets late. Children tend not to like to go to bed when it's light outside. They want to be up. Does this sound familiar, "Why do I have to go to sleep? It's still light out?"

3) There shouldn't be any books, games or toys in your child's bed or else they might want to play with them instead of going to sleep. They can have one or two special snugglies (stuff animals or special blankets) to hug in bed. Their bed should not be covered in stuff animals.

4) Have a routine before bed. Give your child a fifteen minute warning before they start their night time routine. You can call the routine BFJ which stands for Brush teeth, Floss, and put on Jammies (PJ's). You can say, "Sarah, I'm giving you your fifteen minute warning before you have to BFJ." Saying BFJ will quickly remind your child what they have to do.

5) Discourage any rough housing a half an hour to an hour before bed. If your child is jumping around it will be harder to get them to calm down and go to sleep. Stimulating T.V. programs and video games should be avoided. Instead, play a quiet game with them. Or this can be the time in the evenings they take a calming bath or shower. This period is a time to wind down. After their BFJ routine you can let your child read in bed (for kindergartners who can't read they can look at picture books). Also, it would be super if as a parent you can read at least one book to your child, or part of a chapter book, before they go to sleep.

6) If you have two children who sleep in the same room with different bedtimes make sure the child with the later bedtime is quiet when he or she enters the room. They should get their PJ's out of the room earlier so they don't disturb the other child. You can put a stack of PJ's and underwear for the older sibling in the linen closet by the bathroom. This way your child doesn't have to remember every night to get their PJ's out of their drawer before their younger sibling goes to bed.

7) If two siblings share a room and one keeps the other awake by talking you can curb it by making a star chart for the one who's causing the disturbance. However, do not make the rewards on the star chart so great their siblings gets jealous and starts making noise too. You can create the star chart in a way that your child only gets computer time the next day if they don't disturb their sibling the night before. You also can create a star chart for a child who gets out of bed frequently for no reason. This will motivate them to stay in bed.

8) Snoring. I heard of a problem where a father was waking his son up every night with his snoring. The parents had the room next door and had paper thin walls. They also kept their door open at night so they could hear if their son needed help. Additionally, your child could be waking himself up with his own or a sibling's snoring. Find out if snoring could be why your child is waking up at night and getting poor sleep. If you or your husband snore you can try a snoring program, or go see your doctor. The doctor might have you try those stripes that go over the nose to lessen snoring. If any of your children snore ask their pediatrician for advice.

9) It's nice for a child to have a sip of water before going to sleep. But if they drink a glass or two before bed they could be up in the middle of the night going to the bathroom. This interruption of sleep could be why they are tired in the mornings. If this is the case with your child, limit liquid intake before bed. But make sure your child drinks enough liquids during the day. Sometimes a child is just too busy playing to think about getting a glass of water so offer them one.

Jay Marie has a B.A. in Sociology. She is a Former Nanny to children with parents in the Entertainment Industry. To learn more about ways to help your child with problems they might have and recommended programs visit http://www.Foundit-4u.com/Harmony-in-the-Home.htm Because you deserve Harmony in the Home

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jay_Marie_P

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Why Not Tickle My Child?

by Patty Wipfler

Tickling is one of those customary kinds of play that is handed down from generation to generation through our families. It is rarely questioned, but deserves to be thought about more carefully, as it's a form of play that can, despite good intentions, hurt a child. To put tickling in a broader framework, it's one of the ways to play that puts people in touch with each other. It also is a dependable way to get lots of laughter rolling. So tickling looks, on the surface, like a kind of play that children enjoy, and that is good for them. And indeed, some children ask their parents for tickling games. We are glad to be asked—it feels great to have an instant way to laugh and be playful together.

But in my many years of listening to adults talk about the emotional challenges of their lives as children, tickling comes up again and again as an experience that has been hurtful. I've listened to a number of adults who can't relax when others are in close proximity to them. They can't sleep close to a trusted partner, for instance, or are internally on guard any time there's more than casual touching between them and someone they love.

When asked what they are afraid of, their memories go straight to times when they were tickled as children, and couldn't get the tickler to stop.

The foundations of healthy play

I don't think that most tickling in families is pursued to the level of abuse, but I do think that tickling can be replaced with healthier options. In healthy play, these ground rules are usually operating. These guidelines insure the fun. They make play an intelligence-building activity.

• Each child is respected.
• Each child has a way to succeed.
• Each child's contributions are acknowledged.
• Each child knows she is safe from criticism and belittlement.
• Each child can say what she thinks and wants. Her ideas may not be workable, and limits may need to be set, but the thoughts are welcome as a worthy contribution.
• No child is coerced into a powerless or subservient role in the guise of play.
• An adult is present or nearby, to insure that the play stays safe and inclusive.
• To promote laughter, the adults in the situation play the less powerful role, leaving the role of "the swift, the strong, the smart and the informed" to the children.

Where tickling falls short

The main thing that makes tickling problematic is that children may not be able to say when they want it to stop.

Laughter is an automatic response to being touched by a tickler—it's not a response that the child can opt out of. This puts the tickler in charge of how much or how long the child laughs. Most of us remember unpleasant or frightening times when we wanted a tickler to stop, but were laughing so hard we couldn't say it, or worse, we said, “Stop!” or tried to escape, and the tickler continued.

We adults don't read children's minds, but we often imagine that we can. So we usually think we're aware of what's too much tickling and when to stop. But it is possible to trap our children without knowing it.

We want to play and be close

Parents and children crave times together when there's lots of free-flowing laughter and playful contact. It's so good for us to play, so good for us to be in touch with each other. We parents become attached to tickling because it seems to be a handy shortcut to laughter. We long to know that our children are happy and love us, and tickling becomes our shortcut to this reassurance.

Rather than forcing laughter in this way, we can build our children's confidence if we will get down on the floor and invite them to be in playful physical contact with us. If we find ways to give them much of the power, our children will laugh and laugh. Games like "I have a hundred hugs for you!" or "Where's Jared? I know he's around here somewhere," or "Oh, no! I can't get this horsy rider off my back!" let children laugh and laugh as we try to catch them, or try to find them, or try to bounce them off our backs, and fail over and over. It requires more creativity than tickling, but allows us to tumble around, to burrow our heads in their tummies for a second here and there, and to manage a cuddle before they make another daring escape. We get our affection across without trapping our children. And we give them a chance to be inventive as they figure out a hundred ways to outsmart us.

But my child asks to be tickled

When tickling has been one of the main options for being playfully close in a family, children will ask for it. Their need to be close and to feel your enjoyment beaming toward them is stronger than their fear of being trapped by tickling. So they want it. When his Mom began to play without tickling him, one four-year-old I know told her, “I didn't really like it very much, but it was the only way you would play with me!”

One way to transition from tickling to tussling and playful contact that allows the child to be in charge is to pretend to tickle when tickling is requested. Wiggle your fingers close to your child's tummy or sides, and make your usual playful threats, but keep your hands an inch or two away from her body, letting her laugh and laugh without taking the chance of trapping her. If your child tickles you in return, you can playfully writhe and try to get away—she's making you the victim in a role-reversal that lets her offload any tension she may feel about tickling. It's not fair, but she gets to really tickle, and you don't!

Other kinds of playful physical contact are great, if you offer your child the initiative

Our children do need us to be affectionate with them, and to be playfully persistent with our affection at times. It's one way to communicate that we're in love with them. Blowing raspberries on your child's tummy, nuzzling into her armpit, giving bucking bronco rides and nibbling fingers or toes are all affectionate moves that might bring a ticklish reaction. These kinds of play are fine as long as you let the play "breathe" after each affectionate move. You kiss your child's toes, and then let go and see what response he has. If he gets up and runs away, you can lumber after him on hands and knees, trying for a long time before you finally kiss a toe again, with lots of laughter in the chase. Or you bury your head in her tummy, then pull back and grin as she decides what she wants to do. If she laughs and lies there, waiting, you can try it again. Children love us to come close, to play games and to be playful. We just need to keep giving them chances to guide the play, so we don't become overbearing without knowing it.

Thoughtfulness about play with our children doesn't mean being extremely careful. It does mean putting in just a few guidelines that help us to balance the power between our children and ourselves while play proceeds. When we phase out tickling, we're able to phase in play that our children will invent, play that works better to expand their sense that we love and support them.

Source from http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000023.htm

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